by Reuben M. Chow, Living-With-Grief.com 

I was the first among those close to me to lose a parent. And then I lost the other. Each time, I recall having asked “why me?” It’s a common question, which I’m sure many of us do ask when we encounter setbacks in life. I was in shock, and I was 100% certain I would have treasured my parents better if I had seen this happen to someone else first.

But quite frankly, I think this line of thinking is a myth. Because, even after seeing what I had been through, those around me were still taking their loved ones for granted, at least according to my observation. Well, even after the death of my mum, I continued to take my dad for granted. Taking things for granted - another natural human tendency, I suppose?

“Why me?” is usually asked with indignance. Mine certainly was. It cries out at the unfairness of life. But really, life is such. Things happen to people all the time - good, bad, delightful, tragic. People die all the time. We have to learn to deal with it. The sooner we can accept this fact, the better we can embrace the forward journey.

I have learnt to handle the “why me” dilemna in two main ways. One is to flip the question around and ask myself, “why not me?” I can find no reason why I should have immunity. In fact, I can count my numerous blessings. After all, there are many people who have broken relationships, who have never seen their parents… this list can go on. I’m already better off than many. Why not me?

Having said the above, please do not, in any way, think that you deserve the grief you are going through. Grief and loss happen to everybody. Please also do not deny your grief. It is not a good thing to do.

The other approach I have taken is to ask “why me” with a positive touch. In other words, now that all these events have taken place, how can I put my experiences to good use in impacting the lives of others? I’m still in the discovery process here.  One thing I do know - several times, when my eyes met the eyes of a grieving person, there is a special connection, one which is only possible because of our experiences and one which brings some comfort to the both of us.

“Why me?” can be a powerful question when asked in a certain way. Our experiences mould and define us as who we are. Grief, being one of the more powerful mental and emotional  experiences for humans, can thus be especially life-changing. Look for that silver lining.

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