The Unique Experience of Grief
by Reuben M. Chow, Living-With-Grief.com
Have you, in your grieving journey, had someone tell you that you are over-reacting, or that you shouldn’t or needn’t be feeling the way you are, or that you should have gotten over it or moved on by now?
Have you even yourself felt that you are ‘abnormal’ for having allowed the sadness to drag on?
Have you looked at others in similar positions and wondered why you are not doing as well as them?
What I would say to these thoughts is — don’t buy them.
The way I see it, every situation is very unique. Each of us has a different personality; the circumstances of death are different; in addition, the other challenges and stressors we face in life vary.
We have different measures of what are important in life. Further, our relationships with our departed loved ones are also unique.
There is thus, in my view, no reason at all why our grief experience should fit into some ready-made template.
Sure, experts have pieced together a general path which a person going through loss would walk. Broadly speaking, it usually applies to many of us.
But there is no clearcut measure of how long stages should last, or how intense the emotions can become.
Even if we don’t fit into the ‘average’ mould, it doesn’t at all mean there is anything ‘wrong’ with us.
So, go easy on yourself. Each grief experience is different, and it’s perfect in it’s own way.
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Posted: August 26th, 2008 under All Articles on Grief, Emotions of Grief, Grief Cycle of Recurrent Challenges, Grief Stages or the Grief Cycle, How to Cope with Grief in the Long Term, Symptoms of Grief.
Comments: 1
Comments
Comment from Paul S. Bennett
Time: August 26, 2008, 2:41 pm
Reuben, this is a message that should be required learning for every human being. It’s a recurrent theme in my book, “Loving Grief” and an insight that infused my experience of losing my wife, Bonnie.
This goes hand in hand with the phenomenon that grief goes on much longer than your friends and acquaintances think it will. A wonderful grief counselor pointed out to me and my daughter that it’s very common for people to feel much worse three or four months after a death — and this is about the time when most of your friends will be expecting you to feel better. (If you haven’t lived through such a loss before, you may have the same expectation, or hope, yourself.)
While the uniqueness of your grief can be a consolation, it can also have a dark side, making you feel very alone. I know that when I fell in love half a year after Bonnie died, it was painfully obvious to my daughter that the grief we had shared earlier had now taken two very different paths.
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