The Unique Experience of Grief
by Reuben M. Chow, Living-With-Grief.com
Have you, in your grieving journey, had someone tell you that you are over-reacting, or that you shouldn’t or needn’t be feeling the way you are, or that you should have gotten over it or moved on by now?
Have you even yourself felt that you are ‘abnormal’ for having allowed the sadness to drag on?
Have you looked at others in similar positions and wondered why you are not doing as well as them?
What I would say to these thoughts is — don’t buy them.
The way I see it, every situation is very unique. Each of us has a different personality; the circumstances of death are different; in addition, the other challenges and stressors we face in life vary.
We have different measures of what are important in life. Further, our relationships with our departed loved ones are also unique.
There is thus, in my view, no reason at all why our grief experience should fit into some ready-made template.
Sure, experts have pieced together a general path which a person going through loss would walk. Broadly speaking, it usually applies to many of us.
But there is no clearcut measure of how long stages should last, or how intense the emotions can become.
Even if we don’t fit into the ‘average’ mould, it doesn’t at all mean there is anything ‘wrong’ with us.
So, go easy on yourself. Each grief experience is different, and it’s perfect in it’s own way.
Popularity: 44% [?]
Posted: August 26th, 2008 under All Articles on Grief, Emotions of Grief, Grief Cycle of Recurrent Challenges, Grief Stages or the Grief Cycle, How to Cope with Grief in the Long Term, Symptoms of Grief.
Comments: 4
Comments
Comment from Paul S. Bennett
Time: August 26, 2008, 2:41 pm
Reuben, this is a message that should be required learning for every human being. It’s a recurrent theme in my book, “Loving Grief” and an insight that infused my experience of losing my wife, Bonnie.
This goes hand in hand with the phenomenon that grief goes on much longer than your friends and acquaintances think it will. A wonderful grief counselor pointed out to me and my daughter that it’s very common for people to feel much worse three or four months after a death — and this is about the time when most of your friends will be expecting you to feel better. (If you haven’t lived through such a loss before, you may have the same expectation, or hope, yourself.)
While the uniqueness of your grief can be a consolation, it can also have a dark side, making you feel very alone. I know that when I fell in love half a year after Bonnie died, it was painfully obvious to my daughter that the grief we had shared earlier had now taken two very different paths.
Comment from Reuben @ Living-With-Grief.com
Time: December 11, 2008, 2:14 pm
Hi Paul,
Thanks again for sharing.
Grief is a lot like life — we all have our own paths to walk, our own journeys to navigate. Ultimately, we grow.
If you do see this — how old was your daughter (Rebecca?) when Bonnie passed on?
Comment from Debbie
Time: May 18, 2009, 3:26 pm
Your advise sounds just like everyone I have talked to. They say to not worry about it. It will stop when it stops. Your answer sounds like you have never actually lost anyone that close before. It is so incredibly painful, lonely, just HORRIBLE. My husband of 40 years passed away 8/22/08 in my arms after a 5 horrible year battle with brain cancer. I was caregiving for him 24/7 during this time. I got to watch him slowly decline mentally, forget how to read, write, etc. till he could barely communicate, and then only with me. I had to not cry and act loving and happy, while inside I was truly in shock and shredding my mind with this awfulness. I have no other family. I couldn’t have children. His family never even called to see how he was feeling. I still can’t get a hold of any of my in-laws at all. I just leave messages. I have no family except my in-laws. I even went to school with his sister. We were really good friends. I lied to my husband when he asked why no one called for him (this made me feel so sick that I actually vomitted), I said things like he was asleep when they called and I didn’t want to wake him, or, they have been working a lot and probably forgot because they are so tired when they get home. I don’t have any friends. I live in a small strange town far away from our home. I have steadily gotten worse. I am very worried about me. My memory is gone. I can’t do anything. I just sit in bed and stare at the tv, and I don’t have any idea what I’m watching. Then here is the real icing on the cake: I finally decided to clean out his desk area. For many years he kept a sort of journal, we called it the dailys. He kept it on a clipboard that went with him everywhere for note taking, doodling, making lists, etc. I felt I ought to read them so that at least someone would have read about what he did day to day. I found out some shocking things. I had no idea any of these things took place. Now I have a whole new grief. And I can never have closure. Some of these things were very bad. We were so happy for so long, we were so in love, and we were VERY BEST FRIENDS, we truly read each others minds. When we looked into mirrors, I saw his face instead of mine, and he saw my face instead of his. He was my male part and I was his female part. Do you know what I mean? It was more than love. We both fell in love the first time we looked into each others eyes, and even knew then that we were each others mates (I was 15, he was 19). These shocking things that I discovered took place during a very bad time, he had somehow gotten into speed. I had no idea. I know that the rest of the horrible things I read took place because of the drugs. I love him unconditionally, nothing will ever change that. I know also that we will be together again when my number is up. But I still have to get through the rest of this life in this horrible lonely place. I wish i could die so I could be with him and also listen to him and understand why. I know that I can’t commit suicide, that might mess up us being together again. But living in this condition is getting pretty unbearable. I very rarely eat (I’ve lost over 100 pounds). I sleep once every 3 days or so, and then it is sitting in front of the tv sort of dozing in and out. I can’t make decisions. I don’t even care about paying bills. I don’t even shower very often (I know it is bad, but I just don’t care anymore about anything). It has gotten markedly worse, I now require a “In Home Support Person” (sort of like a housekeeper). Ordered by one of my doctors, I can’t clean the house. I forget to feed my cats. All I do is talk about my husband and cry. This has got to be so depressing and icky to be around me. I’m embarrassed by my weakness. I could go on for a long time, there is soooo much to this situation. I have absolutely no where to turn. Please, can you tell me how this fits into your “perfect in it own way” theory? I need help in a bad way. But where I live there is no help to be found, no therapist, psychiatrists, no counselors even. I’m suffering and I’m afraid my hard and fast rule about no suicide might come into question. Thank you for reading this.
Comment from Reuben @ Living-With-Grief.com
Time: June 9, 2009, 9:54 am
Hi Debbie,
I am sorry to hear your story. You must be in a lot of pain. I never meant to say “don’t worry”, or that grief is easy. In fact, I meant the exact opposite, that it’s precisely more painful for some of us than others. Sometimes, a lot more painful.
“Perfect in its own way” comes from a spiritual perspective. Life, no matter how painful or dysfunctional from a human point of view, will one day all make sense to us; I truly believe that.
Your situation sounds bad, and your lack of social support is worrying. Please do try your best to seek help.
Write a comment